Panache Blog

Friday, August 06, 2010

I Hear You

To listen is to love.

How often do you really hear what someone is saying? Active listening is one of the greatest gifts you can offer those in your life. It is a skill that can be learned and just like riding a bike it gets easier with practice. 

Everything we hear is filtered through our experiences, our perceptions and our stories. Out of habit or defense, we often evaluate what is being said from a space of right and wrong or a need to agree or disagree. 

Something shifts when you listen from a space of presence. Your body relaxes and you are able to give your undivided attention. The spoken words are met with spaciousness. Your facial expression and body language softens. You are communicating to the speaker that he or she is the most important person in that moment. You are now bringing sacred stillness to an everyday interaction.

From the other side of the coin, I can tell you that there is nothing more powerful or more loving than truly being heard. When I’m speaking and the listener takes the time to really hear me I feel validated.

We all want to be heard. Not criticized for our insights or perceptions. Not judged for our beliefs or our mistakes. Not lectured when we share an idea. Not fixed when a problem is presented. And not invalidated or shamed when we have the courage to share our feelings and fears.

Ultimately, we want to know that what we have to say matters. Being present during these interactions is a temporary suspension of your need to be in control. Listening from a space of presence does NOT mean that you agree or disagree with what is being said, or that it is a reflection of your own experience. Instead you are affirming the other person, building trust, facilitating understanding and lovingly holding space as they are allowed the opportunity to express whatever needs to be expressed.

Here are six steps in the practice of active listening:

1.  Look at the person speaking.  Stop whatever you are doing. Focus your attention and breathe deeply. Relax your body and simply receive what is being said.

2.  Listen carefully. Pay attention to the words. And be present to the feelings behind the words. 

3.  Be sincere. Mirror back what is being said when the speaker takes a breath – don’t interrupt. Then ask if you heard correctly.  (I hear that you are angry because I said that …  Is that right? Or can you tell me more?

4.  Ask for clarification if you’ve missed the boat. (Tell me again why you are angry)

5.  Validate the speaker’s feelings.  (I can understand that you are angry and I can see the emotion you are feeling right now.)

6.  Respond with empathy by stepping into the speaker’s shoes. (“That makes sense to me. I can see that you would fell angry if I said…)

Listening with presence is the power of connection in action.  I know in my own life, I am deeply grateful for the blessing of a family who has the ability to just listen.

Listening is love so cultivate the practice of lovingly listening.

Posted at 8:32 pm  |  Send to a Friend